I want to be able to go to dinner and eat by myself. There is a guy who comes into the restaurant every Sunday and eats by himself and reads the newspaper. There is a lady who has come in a couple times by herself and ate alone too. I want to be able to do that.
Today I made a small step in that direction. I went to Quizno's and ate there all by myself. I know it's not a sit down type restaurant, but it's a small start towards my goal.
I am starting to get really scared about the future. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think about it. I hope that's normal.
I'm listening to Konstantine by Something Corporate. I love this song.
"And then you bring me home, afraid to find out that you're alone."
1:39 PM
7:44 PM
Being a preschool teacher is HARD WORK! It's weird I say this now after I have worked at a preschool for three years, but never all day, every day. I am beat by the end of each day. I wish the kids would stop telling me "no" (erg) I wish they wouldn't bit me (erg) I wish they would just put on their coats and go outside instead of me having to force their coats on and carry them out (erg) I wish they would roll over and let me rub their backs during nap (erg) I wish they wouldn't scream and throw a tantrum at the first sign they aren't going to get what they want (erg).
Some days it's hard to see the positives. Oh wait, I have one, IT'S SPRING BREAK NEXT WEEK! I also had an orange creme sickle today at snack... tasty!
My cousin is pregnant and I have never been more excited for a baby in my life!
My tournament brackets are failing me.
My best friend can't come visit me this weekend because all four tires got stolen off her car last weekend in Chicago.
Oh man.
10:05 PM
Clear eyes, full hearts can't lose.
If you know what show that is from you may also know I have been obsessively watching that show. I have finished the first two seasons (granted the second season only has 15 episodes) in four days.
It is currently 1 am and I should be sleeping for like two hours now, but instead I just HAD to finish season 2. The worst part is there wasn't much to see. Season 1 = AMAZING. Season 2 = Less than desirable. Hopefully season 3 (which is currently showing on real tv) will be like season 1 again. I must blame the lameness of season 2 on the writers strike. I would like to give those people a piece of my mind and tell them how much they ruined my life last year/forever because of all my shows that have a bad season because of that strike.
My computer has a virus.
7:16 PM
Sometimes I think people can read my thoughts. It is actually quite disturbing and I hope people can't read my thoughts, because sometimes they aren't very nice. And sometimes they are weird, and sometimes they are embarrassing and sometimes they are just so crazy no one should know them but me.
So if you can read my thoughts just let me know.
8:43 PM
This weekend was crazy. It was Jill and John's wedding Saturday which meant Anna flew in (with Brant) on Friday. Though she spent the night at John's brothers house so I didn't actually see her until Saturday. I did spend some quality time with Brant though :)
We had people to our place Friday night, Saturday was the wedding and people stayed at our place again, then Sunday I had to work 10-2 then Kate's art show. It was busy. However, it was great to have everyone together again, no matter how sporadically we were all together.
Most normal people would have cried during the wedding (I never cry at weddings, I came close at Kate and Matt's, but usually nothing). Not me, I cried at the end of the reception. Then part of the ride home. I am still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that the life I have been building for myself the past five years is over. Everyone I love is moving on, and away from me. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still while everyone is moving forward.
There is so much going on in my head about life, and love and where my life is going and who my love is going to. It's hard to sort out sometimes. It honestly is so overwhelming and scary that I just want to crawl in a hole. I wish God would just pick me up and drop me where I am supposed to be. I wish he would just tell me "yes, you will be happy again." Because right now it's really hard to believe that the best times in my life aren't over. It's really hard to believe life could get any better then what it has been the past five years.
Why does everyone else seem so happy with their lives? Am I the only one that is struggling with this?
7:27 PM
I never want to go to bed. I am so tired when I get home from school, but then come 10:30 at night I just want to stay up.
On another note, the new (that is a word wall word this week) Katy Perry song is SO AMAZING. I mean I liked "I kissed a girl" (forgive me, it's catchy) and "Hot and Cold" is very catchy too. However, "Thinking of You" makes me want to get up and go buy her CD right now. And, the music video that goes with it is sweet too. Here it is on youtube. Just watch and enjoy.
I have made no more decisions about life.
6:29 PM
I am at the point where I have to make some really big decisions that will basically map out the rest of my life. I could do anything (well not anything) and go anywhere (yes, basically anywhere). How do I know what is right? How do I know what it is God wants from me? How do I make the RIGHT decision? Is there a right decision? There are so many possibilities.
Last night in seminar a lady came in to talk to us about schools in China that need teachers. They are English speaking schools, but with just about every nationality represented. At first I was like China, NO WAY. But then, something started to sound interesting. It would be a two year commitment, and I would basically be gone for two years. There are so many pros, yet so many cons.
PROS
Very unique opportunity
Starting over
Meeting tons of new people
Influencing kids who may have never heard about the love of Christ (it is a Christian school, another thing I said I would never do)
Life changing experience
CONS
Not knowing anyone
Being gone for 2 years
Missing out on countless weddings, births, birthdays...
Being gone for 2 years (it's big enough to be counted twice)
and so I throw up my hands and scream I DON'T KNOW. If it was a school in South America I wouldn't even give it a second thought, I would go. But China??? I had never considered that, edit: I had always just written it off.
HELP!!!!!
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