It was good to be who I was for a night. It was good to hang out with old friends and even though I could have had a baby in the time we were apart, it didn't feel like it had been that long. I remember why I loved them so so much. I made a new friend. I danced, sang, and laughed. I had a generally good time.
But with being who I was there were old insecurities that came up that I wasn't expecting. I forgot how those insecurities felt. I forgot how it takes me time to build myself back up. I forgot how the next day I play everything over in my head and try to make sense of my feelings. I forgot how they will never completely make sense.
Deep down I think I will always be that insecure girl and I don't know how to reconcile that with who I am now.
This morning I woke up to my two best friends sleeping on an air mattress right next to my bed (I mean the mattress was touching my bed). After they left I spent the rest of the day watching One Tree Hill trying to forget about how lonely I am. It is really hard for me to go from a weekend of being around people and laughing and talking and laughing more and talking more and watching movies, followed by eating and more talking and laughing to nothing. I was not made to live alone. I don't want to live alone anymore. It has been just over a month and I really don't like it. I get scared from the noises the house makes. I have things to say, but no one to say them to. I feel as empty as my house is. I dread going to sleep alone after two nights of having people sleeping in the same house as me.
For Christmas break I was home (in Spring Lake) for almost a week. I didn't do a whole lot, like hang out with friends or anything. In fact a lot of time I spent just watching TV, but I never felt lonely. My brothers and my parents were around and I would talk to them and joke with them, and even argue with them. The minute I walked back in my house in Jackson the loneliness washed over me. The same thing happened today when Katie and Cory left. I am not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and looking over at my empty room.
My friends are becoming inspired, and getting full time jobs...
and I want to bury myself in a whole more then ever. Growing up sucks. I advise you if it can be avoided avoid it at all costs.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
And maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.
Remember how I was going to attempt to write a blog everyday for the whole month. FAIL. Oh well. I have been unable to be close to a computer. That is a false statement. I have not been near MY computer.
This weekend Katie and I went to visit Cory at her NEW APARTMENT! It was fun. Made me realize who I am and who I'm NOT. I will say this much I know I am a person who values relationships over most other things. I also love to make and edit movies. Yes that is what we did with our Saturday night. I will post it, but not for another month (there is reason for this, but that will all be explained later).
I hate Sunday nights because I DREAD Monday mornings. Why couldn't the weekend last five days and the week last three? Now THAT would be a good life.
Old. I think 24 is going to be a year of changes and a year of figuring out a bit more of my life. I don't know where I am going in life, but there is some kind of journey waiting for me.
Usually my birthday is cause for huge amounts of celebration, mostly because I tell everyone "It's my birthday and you have to do what I want." Therefore, they comply. HOWEVER this year I forget my birthday is only 2 days away. It's like it's not even my birthday week... which was by far my favorite week in years past. Growing up is so weird. Everything seems to be loosing it's thrill. I'm just a normal birthday girl trying to downplay her age. I mean no big party or celebration. Just normal everyday kinda stuff, which is slightly a bummer. I really used to love making everyone do what I wanted them to.
Last year birthday was AWESOME. Seriously. Spent with some of my fav. people in a great apartment with a dance floor (the kitchen) and all. And now pictures to reminisce. 
Today I took my toddlers to another teacher's house on a bus trip. It was a great way to spend the day. Though it was slightly chilly, the was came out and really warmed us up. My kids love the city bus. They actually cheer for it when we see it. So bus trips are always exciting for them. This bus trip especially because we got to play in leaves. They love to just throw leaves in the air. It really is pretty when they do it over and over again. They just throw leaves and laugh and do it again and again. Days like today are good days that make me think "why would I ever want to leave these cute toddlers?"