"It's not the load that weighs you down, it's the way you carry it." - Lena Horne

Rememberance

In college we used to go smoke cigars because we thought we were being really rebellious and cool. I used to love showering the day after smoking cigars because as the water hit my hair the smell of the cigars would overpower the shower and I would feel like I was right back the night before and remember all my favorite moments.

Saturday in Canada Cory wrote Love on my wrist with a heart next to it. I've been really careful not to get it wet so it wont rub off. In some ways I feel like if I keep it in tact my memories of Canada will stay in tact. I'm not ready to go to sleep. Tomorrow it is back to reality. Back to life without sharing a room with my best friend, and hanging out everyday with probably the funniest guys I know. It's back to the grind. I am not ready to be back.

I will go back and look at all my pictures. I will remember all my favorite moments and close my eyes thinking about how blessed I am to have had such opportunities. But I will still miss Canada.

Life in a waiting room

I fee like I am just waiting for my life to begin. I don't know how to jump start it though.

I thought I hated Jackson because it was Jackson. I think I was just lonely in Jackson. I think I am lonely in Spring Lake too.

I miss living with everyone close to me. If I felt lonely I could just go somewhere and find someone to hang out with me. It's not that easy anymore.

I need to make friends but I don't even know how.

I don't want watch my life go by while sitting on the sidelines. I wan to be a full participant. I need adventure. I need friends. I need hope that there is more. I probably need a job.

What is a fulfilled life anyway?

for the nights I feel like I am 21 again... and not in a good way.

It was good to be who I was for a night. It was good to hang out with old friends and even though I could have had a baby in the time we were apart, it didn't feel like it had been that long. I remember why I loved them so so much. I made a new friend. I danced, sang, and laughed. I had a generally good time.

But with being who I was there were old insecurities that came up that I wasn't expecting. I forgot how those insecurities felt. I forgot how it takes me time to build myself back up. I forgot how the next day I play everything over in my head and try to make sense of my feelings. I forgot how they will never completely make sense.

Deep down I think I will always be that insecure girl and I don't know how to reconcile that with who I am now.

Alone

This morning I woke up to my two best friends sleeping on an air mattress right next to my bed (I mean the mattress was touching my bed). After they left I spent the rest of the day watching One Tree Hill trying to forget about how lonely I am. It is really hard for me to go from a weekend of being around people and laughing and talking and laughing more and talking more and watching movies, followed by eating and more talking and laughing to nothing. I was not made to live alone. I don't want to live alone anymore. It has been just over a month and I really don't like it. I get scared from the noises the house makes. I have things to say, but no one to say them to. I feel as empty as my house is. I dread going to sleep alone after two nights of having people sleeping in the same house as me.

For Christmas break I was home (in Spring Lake) for almost a week. I didn't do a whole lot, like hang out with friends or anything. In fact a lot of time I spent just watching TV, but I never felt lonely. My brothers and my parents were around and I would talk to them and joke with them, and even argue with them. The minute I walked back in my house in Jackson the loneliness washed over me. The same thing happened today when Katie and Cory left. I am not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and looking over at my empty room.

Wonerwall

My friends are becoming inspired, and getting full time jobs...

and I want to bury myself in a whole more then ever. Growing up sucks. I advise you if it can be avoided avoid it at all costs.








I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
And maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.

Remember how I was going to attempt to write a blog everyday for the whole month. FAIL. Oh well. I have been unable to be close to a computer. That is a false statement. I have not been near MY computer.

This weekend Katie and I went to visit Cory at her NEW APARTMENT! It was fun. Made me realize who I am and who I'm NOT. I will say this much I know I am a person who values relationships over most other things. I also love to make and edit movies. Yes that is what we did with our Saturday night. I will post it, but not for another month (there is reason for this, but that will all be explained later).

I hate Sunday nights because I DREAD Monday mornings. Why couldn't the weekend last five days and the week last three? Now THAT would be a good life.

I am now 24

Old. I think 24 is going to be a year of changes and a year of figuring out a bit more of my life. I don't know where I am going in life, but there is some kind of journey waiting for me.

Birthday WEEEEEEK

Usually my birthday is cause for huge amounts of celebration, mostly because I tell everyone "It's my birthday and you have to do what I want." Therefore, they comply. HOWEVER this year I forget my birthday is only 2 days away. It's like it's not even my birthday week... which was by far my favorite week in years past. Growing up is so weird. Everything seems to be loosing it's thrill. I'm just a normal birthday girl trying to downplay her age. I mean no big party or celebration. Just normal everyday kinda stuff, which is slightly a bummer. I really used to love making everyone do what I wanted them to.

Last year birthday was AWESOME. Seriously. Spent with some of my fav. people in a great apartment with a dance floor (the kitchen) and all. And now pictures to reminisce.

Leaves

Today I took my toddlers to another teacher's house on a bus trip. It was a great way to spend the day. Though it was slightly chilly, the was came out and really warmed us up. My kids love the city bus. They actually cheer for it when we see it. So bus trips are always exciting for them. This bus trip especially because we got to play in leaves. They love to just throw leaves in the air. It really is pretty when they do it over and over again. They just throw leaves and laugh and do it again and again. Days like today are good days that make me think "why would I ever want to leave these cute toddlers?"

National blog what?

I guess it is national blog month. Therefore I am going to do my best to update my blog more then once this month. We'll see how that goes. The most exciting thing that has happened is that my cousin Laura had he baby! Evelyn Lee was born October 30, 2009 weighting 6lbs 8oz. She is so tiny and precious. I got to spend all Sunday afternoon with her and it was the best. I can not wait to hold that beautiful babe again.


Baby Evelyn and I <3


There she is being a precious baby


My Aunt Debbie had to see her through the door because she was sick.


My cousin Laura, the new mom. She is really proud and just can't get enough of her baby. Makes me excited to be a mom someday (let me put that emphasis on someday).

Rewind

There is something to be said about being a freshman or sophomore in college. It is such an odd mix of self-confidence and insecurity (or at least it was for me). I would dress up and be loud and obnoxious and not really care what people think, but at the same time I was trying to figure out who I was and I really did care what everyone thought of me.

I started thinking about this because I was visiting my little brother at SAU and he had these friends over who were sophomores. They were talking about Lowell Lobby (a place I spent many days/nights during my two years on Alpha 2) and how they didn't know anyone, and they just needed to hang out in the lobby more to get to know people. And I know I am supposed to grow up and live in the real world, but at that moment I just wanted it to be sophomore year again. My only worry was if I was going to have to stay up to 2 or 3 in the morning, and if Cory and Yoder were dating, and what we were going to do that weekend. Life was all about my friends, and fun. Rarely about school work.

Now I just try and make it through each day so I can get to the weekend and lay around and do nothing to prepare myself for the next week. I dread Sunday afternoon. If I could rewind my life 5 years and go back I would. I would honestly not change very much of it (just a few things here and there). I would love to feel the freedom of being 19 years old again. I think I would appreciate it more the second time around.

This had to be written so I will not forget

Today I went to an infant/toddler conference for work. The keynote shared the following story and I don't want to forget it. I also want to share it.

Romania was (is?) a very poor country and no one was having babies because they could not afford to take care of them. There was a Czar in power that noticed the population was dwindling. He wanted to do something about it so he offered a stipend to young women who had children. So everything was going well people were having big families and there was enough money to support the famililes.

Then, the Czar got overthrow and a new Czar came to power. This Czar saw how much money was going out and he didn't like it so he ended the whole stipend thing (this is a summary of a more in depth story). Suddenly no one had money to care for their children, but the orphanages only took children birth to 2 so everyone gave up their babies. These orphanages were over crowded and it was like 40 children to 1 caregiver. The general rule was don't hold the babies, don't look at them, give them as little as possible because if you held them or rocked them they would continue to want/expect that and the caretakers would have too many crying babies and not enough people to nurture them.

As time went on these orphans got adopted and came to America, but didn’t fair very well. They were getting in trouble and going to juvenile detention places, and later in life going to jail. They were basically becoming low functioning members of society, however once in a while there was a Romanian orphan who did well and became a normal functioning member of society.

So there’s this guy that was really interested in brain development and he got this huge grant to do brain scans on these Romanian orphans. He figured that the ones who were doing well were more attractive as infants and toddlers and despite the no contact rule where held and rocked. He goes to Romania and starts doing his tests and scans and stuff and as it turns out all the orphans who had the higher amount of activity in the brain, i.e. are doing well in life came from one orphanage, in one wing, on one floor.

Come to find out there was a janitor who everyday after she was done doing all her work would rock each baby. She would pick them up and tell them they were beautiful, then rock them and put them back and tell them she loved them. When this researcher guy figured this out he found that janitor and told her what a difference she had made for these children. Her response was that she never felt like she was doing enough.

What's Up?

So it's been awhile. Lets get right down to it. I am a toddler room lead teacher. Is this the job I thought I would have even a month ago? NO. Am I happy with it? Let's weigh the options:

Pros
I have worked here for three years
I know the staff well
I have a good handle on the curriculum
It's MY class
I feel trusted by the director/other staff
The kids keep me laughing and on my toes all the time

Cons
Everyone seems to have an opinion on what the toddlers should be doing/not doing ect.
A certain teacher assistant... who is going to be my assistant this fall (ugh)
At this point I do not have benefits, and am not considered full time staff (though I do work 40 hours a week)
Two words: POTTY TRAINING
Two years are a handful... esp 8 at a time
Is this really what I went to school for?


Also, One Tree Hill seasons were on sale at Best Buy, so of course I had to get some. I got seasons 1 and 2. My mom got seasons 3 and 4 for me for my birthday or Christmas.

At least I have good TV to watch.

Good News?

I never have good news. I have applied and applied and applied for jobs... NOTHING... not even a stinking interview. What am I doing wrong?

I can not be a toddler teacher for the rest of my life, not even the rest of the year, I don't even want to do it the rest of the week!

And if I hear one more time about how God has the perfect job for me I may beat someone... Ok if he really has a job for me could he please let this come together soon.

fml

The job search

Job searching has it's highs and lows...

like applying and applying and applying and hearing nothing

finally getting a call for a phone interview

getting an e-mail saying they had a "variety of applicants"... aka they didn't want me

finding a new website

applying some more

hearing nothing

applying some more.




I would just like the world to know I would be a good teacher, but if you wont let me teach I may have to explore other options... not sure what those are, but I hope I am not reduced to street corners.

P to the MS

and thus ensues my rant:

I hate it when people say that girls just use PMS as an excuse. I am a woman and can tell the difference between when I am about to start, am on my period, or have just finished. Before I start I get really annoyed and can't stand anyone. Small things piss me off (more then usual) and I want to eat everything and crave pop. During the period I am fairly normal, somewhat emotional. After I get sad for like two days.

I am not making this up, some months it's worse then others. Seriously my hormones are not quite normal for like 10-12 days out of the month.

Also the cramping, bloating, hunger. Man oh man being a girl is not easy.

Plus we have to give birth... then have a period for six whole weeks.

Big vs. Aiden

As I sit here and watch Sex and the City on TBS it I ponder why Carrie would ever choose Big over Aiden. In this particular episode Carrie is freaking out about marrying Aiden. I know the way it ends, I know she just can't marry Aiden blah, blah. I just don't know why. Big is a jerk. I mean the Sex and the City movie was a disappointment to me because Big was soooo dumb.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH AIDEN CARRIE???

I would have chosen Aiden. I would have married him and never had let him go.

This is one of those episodes I watch hoping the ending will turn out differently. It never does though. "There are some walls you can push through and some you can't. That was the only night we would ever spend on the other side of the wall. The next day Aiden moved out."

I babysat Maggie, Cyrus, and Ellie tonight. They were soo good for me. They are such sweet kids. Annie asked me if I would be able to be the overnight person when the new baby is born. I said I would love to. Oh yea, the new baby's name is going to be Kate :) Well Kathrine, but they will call her Kate.

Laura called me last night and said they are having a girl. I called that from the beginning. Everyone else was saying boy, but I knew girl. Also her due date has changed to November 8, the day after my birthday... I told Laura to have her a day early so we can share a birthday :) we'll see.

That would be great though, a baby with my name and a baby with my birthday.

He's just not that into you, wait I mean ME.

Tonight I rented He's Just Not That Into You and it basically told the story of my life. I mean I resonate with the main girl, Gigi, like woah. I mean she's just this girl waiting for the right guy to come around and wondering why they never call back and making up all these excuses as to why they're not calling back, and all her friends are saying things to make her feel better when in actuality he's just not into her.

I also learned that I am NOT the exception, I'm the rule (watch the movie to understand this).

Favorite quote:
Gigi: So you mean I should just run from every guy who doesn't like me?
Alex (a male Alex): Yes.
Gigi: But there won't be anyone left.

Things I learned:
1. If he's acting like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he doesn't give a shit.
---It sounds like DUH, but really you think oh he's just busy, or some other crap when in actuality he doesn't care. This reminded me of a boy, (insert name here), who I now believe at one point did give a shit, but doesn't now. I mean he didn't even give me a proper goodbye when I left his life not knowing if we will see each other again. I almost called him after watching this movie and yelled at him "YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT!" but I refrained.

2. Girls read way too much into things and string these moments together to make things seem like there is more to the relationship then there really is.
---Gigi did this in the movie, I do this ALL THE TIME in real life. I actually cried during the part of the movie where Alex is yelling at Gigi because she did this. I just know what it feels like to like a guy and hope so much that he likes you back that any little hint, no matter how insignificant, means so much more then was ever meant by the guy.

3. If a guy wants to be with you he'll make it happen.
---I think so often I, and I'm going to assume other females, think a guy is just waiting for the right time, or scared to show how he feels, or some other stupid excuse. Truth be told if any of those boys had ever liked me they would have made something happen.

I feel like I have a new outlook on dating, sure a more cynical one, but never the less, a more realistic one. Truth be told liking boys is a waste of time because rarely is it that they like you back. I don't think I ever want to like a boy again. It would sure save me a lot of trouble. I wonder if that is possible.

Mother's Day

I did not see my mother today. I actually worked and seated a lot of mothers :)

I did call my mother. I do love her and feel very VERY thankful that she is mine. We've been through a lot, me and her, and the older I get the more she becomes my friend, not just my mother.

I hope to be a mother someday.

First I should probably figure out some other parts of my life... like where the heck I am going to live and work in four months.