In college we used to go smoke cigars because we thought we were being really rebellious and cool. I used to love showering the day after smoking cigars because as the water hit my hair the smell of the cigars would overpower the shower and I would feel like I was right back the night before and remember all my favorite moments.
Saturday in Canada Cory wrote Love on my wrist with a heart next to it. I've been really careful not to get it wet so it wont rub off. In some ways I feel like if I keep it in tact my memories of Canada will stay in tact. I'm not ready to go to sleep. Tomorrow it is back to reality. Back to life without sharing a room with my best friend, and hanging out everyday with probably the funniest guys I know. It's back to the grind. I am not ready to be back.
I will go back and look at all my pictures. I will remember all my favorite moments and close my eyes thinking about how blessed I am to have had such opportunities. But I will still miss Canada.
I fee like I am just waiting for my life to begin. I don't know how to jump start it though.
I thought I hated Jackson because it was Jackson. I think I was just lonely in Jackson. I think I am lonely in Spring Lake too.
I miss living with everyone close to me. If I felt lonely I could just go somewhere and find someone to hang out with me. It's not that easy anymore.
I need to make friends but I don't even know how.
I don't want watch my life go by while sitting on the sidelines. I wan to be a full participant. I need adventure. I need friends. I need hope that there is more. I probably need a job.
What is a fulfilled life anyway?
It was good to be who I was for a night. It was good to hang out with old friends and even though I could have had a baby in the time we were apart, it didn't feel like it had been that long. I remember why I loved them so so much. I made a new friend. I danced, sang, and laughed. I had a generally good time.
But with being who I was there were old insecurities that came up that I wasn't expecting. I forgot how those insecurities felt. I forgot how it takes me time to build myself back up. I forgot how the next day I play everything over in my head and try to make sense of my feelings. I forgot how they will never completely make sense.
Deep down I think I will always be that insecure girl and I don't know how to reconcile that with who I am now.
This morning I woke up to my two best friends sleeping on an air mattress right next to my bed (I mean the mattress was touching my bed). After they left I spent the rest of the day watching One Tree Hill trying to forget about how lonely I am. It is really hard for me to go from a weekend of being around people and laughing and talking and laughing more and talking more and watching movies, followed by eating and more talking and laughing to nothing. I was not made to live alone. I don't want to live alone anymore. It has been just over a month and I really don't like it. I get scared from the noises the house makes. I have things to say, but no one to say them to. I feel as empty as my house is. I dread going to sleep alone after two nights of having people sleeping in the same house as me.
For Christmas break I was home (in Spring Lake) for almost a week. I didn't do a whole lot, like hang out with friends or anything. In fact a lot of time I spent just watching TV, but I never felt lonely. My brothers and my parents were around and I would talk to them and joke with them, and even argue with them. The minute I walked back in my house in Jackson the loneliness washed over me. The same thing happened today when Katie and Cory left. I am not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and looking over at my empty room.